at last

Finally. I’m not at rock bottom, fighting my way through a tunnel; I’m not halfway through the tunnel, barely able to see the light at the end; I’m not so close I can almost taste it…. I’m there. I’m at the end, standing in a field of light, facing endless possibilities in the distance.

I loved a man for so long. We broke each other’s hearts, and it’s taken me so long to let go of what happened, especially all the guilt I felt for the ways we hurt each other. It was a long, slow process of growing miscommunication, fueled by low self-esteem on both parts. For the record, he is a wonderful person. I will always love him and be thankful for everything he taught me; about putting family first, staying strong morally, and the importance of good work ethics. I will always admire what a strong person he is. I will always fondly remember the silly times we had, and his hilarious laugh. I will always wish him happiness and unconditional love, and hope he’s doing well. I will also always be sad he can’t be friends with me, because I don’t understand why. Maybe one day he’ll stumble on to this site, and if he does… Thank you for everything.

I am in such a good place right now, a place I created, alone, through damn hard work. It’s taken almost three years to get over my two year relationship, but it’s been so worth it. Now when I think about myself and my life I don’t get nervous or worried or feel crazy and insecure. I feel stable, strong. I feel so excited about where my life will take me. I feel like I can handle anything thrown at me. I feel independent and intelligent. I feel creative. I feel peaceful. I feel sexy, in a very pure and complete way. It’s been worth three years of constant work and self-reflection. I’ve surprised myself in ways I never thought I would. I discovered a new love for the person I am. And even though my heart is the last thing getting put back together, it’s all been worth it.

Thank you. To all the people who listened to me cry, who made me laugh, who believed in my journey, and who showed me love. Especially to me, for never giving up.